I should’ve been a child star so I could’ve gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.


Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁


Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.


Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.


Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.


Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.


Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It’s to the point that Google even knows when I’m high.


Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer


no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won’t get my genitals dirty and i won’t have to wash my hands after. duh


If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.