I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.