14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.