We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
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Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all