There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.