MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.