Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.