Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.