I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.