My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness