It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
