When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.