After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
as the prophecy foretold
Now colored!
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no