I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet