in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
