Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.