Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
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Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying