Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Introverted vegans go meetless
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.