Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I put the hot in psychotic.