What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.