@NatetheEnigma

I’m sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

@Tacet_no_more

I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@remington3000

I’m going to open a restaurant and call it I Don’t Care. So us men can finally take u women to the place u want to go to when we ask

@SoAnyway1

I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.

@FussySaffa

When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering ‘what did I say the last time you asked?’ is unwise, apparently.

@IamDrainBamaged

I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.

@Thedudish

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

@Thedudish

“Is my butt is too big?” my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.

@Thedudish

It’s been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. “Good luck,” he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.