Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?