My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.