Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*