the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”