I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!