I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.