“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?