Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold