If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”