Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.