can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.