Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.