The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.