Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I would like even faster food.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.