Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???