A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere