If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.