“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.