when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.