Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
