Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
I Can’t Tonight…
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
