My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.