Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.