[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.