Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.