I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Introverted vegans go meetless
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.