11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”