Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”