I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”